SO GLAD I DON'T HAVE TO SEE: Sucker Punch

Slant's Jaime N. Christley:—

"You're just a regular guy who likes to look at porn on the Internet...you run a quick census of your two most prized entertainments: (a) barely-legal girls taking it in every conceivable hole, and (b) epic fantasies of limitless awesomeness, violence, and spectacle. Two great things that go great together, right? You ask yourself, can't someone, anyone, with limitless funding and all the latest developments in computer-generated special effects, make one movie that combines both of my passions? Since there isn't enough spatial coherence (or narrative coherence—it's 300 and Gunsmith Cats in a blender) to warrant a plot synopsis that remotely respects the shape of the film in question, the best I can do is a shopping list:

• Spinning in the air 360 degrees and shooting out a robot's skull (countless iterations, sometimes not a robot but an undead German soldier)
• Explosions and other pyrotechnic imagery (countless)
• Cleavage (lots); tits (zero)
• Idiotic, non-sequitur platitudes issued by Very Special Guest Star Scott Glenn (4)
• Layers of inception (3, including the film itself)
• Blood spray/spatter (0); network television-safe wounds (2?)
• Sex (ha! None); fear and loathing at the thought of sex (all-encompassing)
• Grotesque, skeevy men (all, with the exception of 0.5 Don Drapers)
• Extremely ill-advised cover songs (many…bring earplugs)