REVIEW: Robin Hood (dir. Scott)

Things I liked:—

1. The settings. The cgi is silkenly invisible, the locations seem hand-selected from hundreds, maybe thousands of vale-of-albion wannabes, making this the most beautifully furnished universe of Scott's since Matchstick Men. Or maybe I'm just homesick.

2. The line "I Love You Marion." You can almost seen Brian Helgeland working his way down the options: you complete me, maid of my heart, you are and always will be.... — before realising, hey, what about I-luv-yoo? When was the last time we heard this?

3. William Hurt. Accent good. Unobtrusive hairpiece. Nice to see him.

4. Marc Streitenfeld's score. Almost wholly responsible for the tonal variegation. Still won't be buying it though since I hate lutes.

5. Little John. Don't know the actor. Looks more like a navvie, or oil-rig worker: Thick-set, terrible teeth. Probably RADA's finest Noel Coward impersonator.

And things I disliked:—

1. Russell Crowe and his unflagging devotion to making this the least effeminate Robin Hood in history. It's like Mel Gibson in Braveheart: for the Aussies, all British history is basically gay. Robin Hood is doubly gay.

2. Cate Blanchett. Not comely enough. The movie needs a spot of softness, such as Madeliene Stowe used to provide. You could use Blanchett's bone structure to show a horse.

3. The beach. Russell rising up through the waves going "uuuueeaaarrrgghhhh". Too heavy. Hood is a swinger.

4. The plot about saving of the entirety of the British Isles and becoming Britain's unoffical king-of-people's hearts, like Diana. This the's back-story? What's he doing for main course? Oh that's right: saving Nottingham Forest. What a come down.

5. The weird PG-induced squeamishness about showing us what swords actually do.