Sep 30, 2012

Free advice for filmmakers

  • WES ANDERSON: make a movie with only 3 characters in it
  • PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON: allow your characters the possibility of change. 
  • MARTIN SCORSESE: make a (fictional) movie about your parents
  • STEVEN SPIELBERG: make more star vehicles
  • ANG LEE: keep doing what you're doing
  • DAVID O. RUSSELL: ditto
  • BEN AFFLECK: stop acting in your movies
  • DAVID FINCHER: act in someone else's movie
  • SOFIA COPPOLA: adapt a fifties spy novel, nouvelle vague style
  • DARREN ARONOFSKY: make a big flop, work on your compassion
  • QUENTIN TARANTINO: write something that comes in under 100 minutes
  • JAMES CAMERON: leave Avatars 2 and 3 to someone else
  • MICHAEL MANN: make a war movie (maybe Napoleonic) involving lots of tactics
  • STEPHEN FREARS: make another movie set in America
  • TIM BURTON: ... something for Pixar?
  • TERRENCE MALICK: collaborate with an Oscar-nominated screenwriter
  • DAVID LYNCH: just make another goddam movie


  1. This is brilliant, and I just came back from The Master, and I think PTA is the only guy here you've misdiagnosed. You're not wrong about the possibility of change, I agree with your critique on that, but the proper advice for PT Anderson is pretty clearly: Stop working with Jonny Greenwood. Which would be a way of saying: find structure.

  2. That's great advice too. The Master has been absurdly over-praised. For a film that's about as enjoyable as a hang-nail to be getting the best reviews of the year is irresponsible. No wonder people don't read critics any more

  3. Mind if I chime in for actors?

    TOM HANKS: You're too good to be doing serious drama roles forever, get back to the goofball comedies!

    ROBERT DENIRO: Vice versa

    LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Stop trying so hard

    TOM CRUISE: Just keep smiling, it reminds people why they like you

    DANIEL-DAY LEWIS: You don't have to devour ALL the scenary to be great

    JOHNNY DEPP: Stay the HELL away from Tim Burton

    BRAD PITT: Keep doing what you're doing

    ADAM SANDLER: Go away

  4. Frears just made two movies in a row set in America. With such brazen ignorance, "no wonder people don't read critics any more".

  5. Frears' last two were Cheri (France) and Tamara Drewe (England)

  6. Rubbish: they were Lay the Favorite (Las Vegas, USA) and Muhammad Ali's Greatest Fight (Washington DC, USA). The level of ignorance of this site is only matched by its arrogance. Don't you even have the courtesy to your readers to consult imdb?